User blog:Bluesprucedude/My Own Queer History (and Announcing a Short Break)

I first came out—as bisexual—in 2005. I know that some of you were born that year (or earlier!), but in my life, that would’ve been towards the beginning of elementary school. The next I would come out in a major way (as trans) would be 2010, in middle school.

I was always considered precocious, or oddly and sometimes humorously mature for my age. I imagine some of you know how that feels. It meant that I was pushed into being a grown-up—a parent, a teacher, even just a role model—for other kids, even those my age. It didn’t surprise the adults in my life that I knew the word bisexual as a child or that I knew it applied to me but that I’d admit it out loud to another person. My queerness was seen as an extension of my maturity, and I’m very fortunate that the people in my life trusted me when I said who I said I was.

One benefit to coming out early and having that support was getting to know my local queer community sooner than most. I’ve always been an in-person guy. I didn’t have internet until I was an adult, so everything I did in my community was face-to-face. That means I’ve been to and even walked in pride parades before and been to demonstrations outside my state capital based on LGBTQ legislation. I’ve volunteered at shot clinics and done inventory at queer libraries where I’ve written a poem or two to perform for others.

But I’ve also been laughed at in my face by other LGBTQ people because of how I self-ID and threatened with physical violence a handful of times. I’ve thrown a punch or two. I don’t really go to general clinics and hospitals because of the way I’m passed between people because no one wants to treat or do a check-up on me, and when I used to travel for work, I would go as stealth as possible on my trips (even when I slipped a meeting to go to Toronto's gay village).

I learned very quickly that my limp fists were useless compared to strong words and credible research. I became a queer history nerd by high school, which only made me more precocious. I created an independent study course with my US History teacher on the LGBTQ history of the US. I was the LGBTQ club’s history and 1950s-2000s queer culture expert alongside the 55 y/o butch math teacher who hosted us.

It was in this club that I realized my “maturity” was a problem, something I would realize even more in college. While I could go to events hosted by my local bi+ organization as an out femmesexual (when the only flag was the gynesexual flag, no less!) and in my day-to-day explain to people in my life my transness with ten dollar words, the disconnect between me and people my age—a number of you folks—was enormous.

I’ve always surrounded myself with queer people, but again, I’ve been out for sixteen years. I’ve had time to think about my gender and sexuality and have crises and be part of the culture. But many queer people in my “generation” are in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. They’re settled and legitimately are mature. I’m two days away from starting my mid-20s, and yet, I’m truly a remnant of the past.

And it’s that generation I had to play catch-up with, or so I felt. I graduated with my BA at 19. Before COVID, I was on track to starting my PhD this fall. Hell, I’m married and have a full-time job at a time when most people I went to high school with are “just” graduating with their BAs and certificates.

Since COVID, I’ve obviously not been able to connect with my local community anymore. I’m lucky that I live with nine other queers and a couple other trans people, but I miss my Bear club bowl-a-thons and transmasculine leather group and, well, everything. I’ve turned to the internet desperately trying to connect to other queer people, first Tumblr, doomscrolling the #trans and #ftm tags and leaving comments everywhere, then here, the wiki, which I doomscrolled and took notes on before I was an autoconfirmed user.

I realized that the thing that made me different—my precociousness that turned into good research skills and nerdery—wouldn’t be my downfall here. On Tumblr, people sometimes point out that I “don’t talk like a human.” (Which, yeah, screams ableism.) On the wiki, using certain words and being objective is actually okay. This blog posts are about as casual as I get, but I put in more effort to do that here than when I edit or write a page.

My greatest disadvantage is that the gap between me and everyone else my age has widened so much. I don’t know most of the words I’m editing—my eyes are glued to the posts and shreds of evidence I can find to not screw it up. I’m consolidating what I can, making trails to everywhere I can, so that like I already do, everyone here can feel like they are part of something bigger than themselves.

There are also loads of other things I don’t get but I’m trying, like the /gen tags or trigger and content warnings. But I know research and I know my american english. I know why I didn’t capitalize those words (not capitalizing words like “america” is a form of resistance recognizing that america is not a proper noun or place but a verb synonymous with colonialism) but capitalize the word Bear (Bear when capitalized is a proud self-identification while bear with a lowercase b is for those we could describe as bears).

I also know why I decided to join the LGBTA Wiki a week and take a week off from work before I turned 23—to try and be a part of my physical generation’s queer world. I knew I would butt some heads but also get some people's heads out of their butts; that's the sort of presence I have. But I'd also have the joy to not have to be the responsible one and just be me, the me that likes writing long wiki entries, the longer the better, and gets to make flags and figure out mathgenders and have fun in a way I wouldn’t cringe at. Once I turn 23, I'll contend with my spiraling life like a responsible adult. I keep to those kinds of things.

....

I don’t usually feel comfortable being open (it’s the toxic masculinity), but I needed to let this one out. I’m not in a bad place; I do have some work to catch up on though, so I’m taking a break. I have my list of ten or so pages I’m still keeping an eye on. And of course, “Dude’s Guide to Research” is still going to be up. I don’t want or need to be blocked to prevent myself from logging on—I can pull away on my own.

I just wanted--and still want--to share in good faith in the queer act of creation with people who are closer to my age. As author Julian K. Jarboe once put it:"God blessed me by making me transsexual for the same reason he made wheat but not bread and fruit but not wine: because he wants humanity to share in the act of creation. I am only doing the Good Works here on Earth as intended!"Anyway, I’m off to watch Shrek 2 with the mister. If you’re reading this when I’ve posted, have a good night.

-Bluesprucedude (talk) 03:36, 7 May 2021 (UTC), Mr. Bluesprucedude, and Monkey the cat