So there was this friend of mine in which I had strong feelings for, though I don't know if it was romantic attraction or some other form of attraction. The thing is, it happened a couple years ago and I can't remember much from it. Some background information: Me and this other person are both AFAB and we both identified as female during this time. Before a lot of this happened, I thought I was straight and had no reason to assume otherwise. I thought I felt romantic attraction towards guys, but the thing was that I didn't know love was something one felt. I thought that crushes were something you chose or declared. One "crush" that I had for 2-3 years was a guy who had similar interests to me and overall seemed like a pretty cool dude, I mostly just wanted to be friends with him but I thought that because he's a boy and I think he's cool that I must have a crush on him (thanks, heteronormativity). Most of my other "crushes" were similar, either aesthetic or platonic attraction, something I chose rather than felt. However there was this one person in which things were different. Once again, we both identified as girls at the time and I started to feel very strong attraction to them. The first form of attraction I can really remember feeling with them was sensual attraction. We were sitting next to each other during a school assembly and I had the strange impulse to put my hand on their thigh, not in a sexual way, but simply in an intimate way. This was the only time I can recall feeling sensual attraction. Because of this, I figured that I was lesbian because I had never felt any attraction towards guys. I really don't remember much during the time in which I felt this strong attraction to them, as I had repressed a lot of those memories due to other stuff.
(scroll down to the next text block if you don't want to read the cluster of bad poetry)
However, I do have plenty of half-baked "love songs" that I wrote presumably about them on my notes app. I'll show some highlights/significant lines from them. The first one is from February 17, 2019 and reads: How do I feel so alive? Whenever I'm alongside you, I swear my heart's just fine with or without you. But I feel so alive whenever I'm alongside you, I swear I'm completely fine, but I'm better when I'm next to you. A few lines down it reads wanting to spend time with them and stuff. Some more significant lines from other songs were: You're so loving that you love everyone, but do you love me, I hope you love me. It's a reason just to smile, a reason to leave you behind. And you didn't do anything to make me want to get away, I'm just an awful friend. I don't love, and I don't care. I know you care about me, but put it to rest please, stay but leave. Don't be hurt from what I'm gonna tell you, I once loved you, I wanna say I love you but I don't, stay but leave, leave but stay, I never wanted love anyway. Please don't be mad if I don't pick the phone up, a friend who wants something more, I don't know what I should feel, please, I don't know if I really care or not, I just don't think that I'm in the mood for love. Hey, I wanna know, how are you? But I still don't, I wanna talk to you, it's been a while, I think I'm losing you, I can't tell for myself if I truly love you, but I can't help but think that these thoughts are true. And things are getting awkward now because of this, you ask me if I like you and I don't say yes. I want more time with her, we're best friends. I think I screwed up because I can't tell if you like me, do you like me you asked me, saying no to everything even if my heart says yes, cause I'm obsessed. You're cool. I want to forget my feelings, I want to be friends forever but I still want more. I get ticked off at all of your mistakes. Do you wanna be best friends forever, I don't wanna be best friends forever, cause if we were best friends forever, we'd always be together and never any more, I wish I could just get your attention, we can still always be best friends forever, we'll never be together.
To put it simply, I was conflicted. I wanted to be friends, I wanted to be more, I wanted to be less, I hated and loved them at the same time, I hated loving them, I wanted to be friends but not really. Note, a lot of the stuff might have been exaggerated, this also happened during a time in which I was in a very bad mental state. I could have been going through trauma which clouded my judgement, maybe I was too young, maybe I felt romantic attraction, maybe I didn't. Some more info is that they confessed to me a few times, I rejected them each time saying I loved them but coming up with excuses not to date them. I don't know what I am, I'm so confused. I want to figure this stuff out but I don't know how. If you managed to read this far down, even a little bit of help would be appreciated.