Nothing feels real, but at the same time it does.
I identify as a predominately demiboy boyflux person, and that works pretty well I guess, but something is missing.
Let me elaborate on my experiences. My egg cracked about a year ago, I was 12. I first heard the definition of demigirl, and something clicked. I didn't really feel entirely like a girl, did I?
That quickly evolved into a massive fight, I wont elaborate here, but basically it scared me back into being cis.
A good while later, like 3 or 5 months, I was on Quotev taking quizzes because I was bored out of my skull, and I came across a gender related one. I took it, and the results were that I was likely transgender.
I knew these tests didn't really mean anything because they're made by small children. Dispite that, I had what you could describe as an out of body experience.
I came out to my sister later that night, not really having a label yet. I was able to keep that secret for about three months.
At the time I was outed, I was identifying as a binary trans man. I was dealing with moderate dysphoria with my chest and hair.
I've always hated my chest, but it had gotten worse since I had cracked. Now I was limiting my wardrobe to hide it, and my posture had gotten abysmal.
When I was found out via search history, my tablet got smashed against the wall, and with it my access to social media. I had to say goodbye to all my amino friends on my school Chromebook in secret, the same place I'm writing this.
At this point, stuff was getting weird. I started misgendering myself, thinking of myself as a girl again, having to correct myself afterwards leading to horrible mental exhaustion.
At this point I was thirteen. fights happened routinely. I wasn't allowed to wear a baseball cap without putting my hair in a ponytail, so I don't wear hats anymore.
At the same time, I was the happiest I'd ever been in a year when my therapist called me sir. That gave me newfound hope in myself, but doubt was still there.
I'm afraid that I'll hate myself after I transition and find out I made a mistake.
I have daydreams of me hating my flat chest, but at the same time I have daydreams of swimming with one in trunks.
Everything feels wrong, but I'd give anything to really be trans. I hate the idea of being a confused girl, it eats me up inside.
Once I tried identifying as an identity with a feminine element, but soon started hating it.
I need help. Tell me, am I really fake? Is everything I've gone though for nothing?
My chest hurts.
[EDIT] I forgot to add that soon after I was outed, I was diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, Anxiety and Depression.