CW/ Swearing, School
TW/ Parents, Disassociation, Panic Attacks
So every Wednesday at my school we have this thing in first hour called "Work together Wednesday" where our teacher forces us all to communicate with each other. I have some really bad social anxiety and i can't handle talking to people because of things happening in my past (unless i can't see their face/ so online is easier for me) and last Wednesday i couldnt even last 30 minutes in the class before i had a panic attack. I told my parents about this (my step-dad came to pick me up) but they dont seem to believe i have any issues talking with people
Because i got picked up and stayed home my step-dad took the power cord of my Desktop, not allowing me to use it at all. which made me have an even larger panic attack. i have been using a computer since i was about 3 years old and the internet is basically my escape from reality and makes me feel in control of myself, usually, in real life, i am always in a state of disassociation and can't control myself very well or at all. im too afraid of asking my step-dad for the cord back, my QPP has been playing a game with me recently and can only watch from my screen because he doesn't have the game, and it's made me really happy to spend time with them but when my step-dad took away the cord i realized i was unable to play the game with him now, and i've been really sad ever since. (they've been there and they help but i just needed to type this out to rant because i don't like spamming his dms... lol)
I also asked my mom to dye and cut my hair so i can look more masc, and she said she would but she never did, and she told me this morning she would get the dye for my hair so i hope she actually is and isn't lying again. i overheard my step-dad say i'm making up excuses for not going to school, but i think i've damaged my back in some way for wearing my binder for too long, so i stayed home the past two days, and it made me really f*cking angry when i heard that...
Anyway thats my rant, gonna go hang with my QPP now, if you read this have a good rest of your day/night