This is a story about Kyle, an ftm trans teen struggling to find love and to get out of a bad household
We wrote this as a vent piece during a bad time in our lives
Heavy heavy tw for the following topics:
Hospitals
Transphobia
Cursing
Eating disorders
Self harm (semi-graphic to graphic)
Ch*1d 53xu@1 @55ult/r@pe (non-descriptive)
@bus3Suicide (graphic)
Please please please do NOT read if any of these could put you into a bad place
You have been warned
Fight, flight, fawn, freeze. This is the long technical term for fight or flight. They say when an animal is in trouble, it either fights, or flies. Why didn't I? How come when my father rained down his red hot blows, I could do nothing but stand there? Maybe this has been happening so long that now I just play dead... maybe... How long has it been since my dad drank? 2, 3 days? Oh no, that means that next time he drinks, he's taking it out on me... I just hope he doesn't rape me this time...I had just gotten to bed by the time my dad got home. He threw my door open, grabbed my arm, and yanked me out of my bed. He threw me on the floor and began screaming at me. "Why are you such a damned mistake!?" he screamed, his words like knives, "why can't you be just a normal fucking girl?! You fucking trans piece of shit! Stop pretending to be a boy!" I pulled myself off the ground, "I AM a boy." I said. I thought he was done for the night, but as he grabbed my collar, I knew this was just the beginning.I was sitting in my 2nd period class when a new kid walked in. The teacher made them sit next to me. The new kid turned to me and said, "HI! I'M TEDDY!" I gave him a glare that would've made any sane person turn and run. So he obviously wasn't sane. He just looked back and said, "You look like you need a hug!" He came toward me and as soon as he put his hand on me, I punched him. He lay unmoving as everyone crowded around us, wanting to know what had happened. Our teacher looked at me and yelled, "Carlie! Office! NOW!" I was so scared about what would happen to me at the hands of my dad that I didn't even have time to worry about the deadnaming, but Teddy worried. "Isn't his name Kyle, Miss?" he piped up.
My dad stormed into the office with his fists clenched. He raised his hand as if to slap me, then, he seemed to realise that there were people watching him. He grabbed me by my then-long hair and dragged me to the car. "You selfish ungrateful brat! After all I do for you, you go and do this! What did that kid even do to you!?" I didn't say a word, and thus, he got furious at my silence. He grabbed my chin and looked at me, then he shoved my head down to his crotch, "This is your fucking punishment you ungrateful brat!" he yelled, spitting in my face. I submitted...
I lay in bed with cotton balls stuffed in my mouth as a vain attempt to stop the bleeding. I felt my phone vibrate as I got a notification from an unknown number. I pulled up the text, not knowing or caring who it was at that point. I looked at my screen and to my dismay, the text read, "Hi Kyle, this is Teddy from 2nd period. I got your number from one of your friends!" I stare at the text for another minute or two before I put my phone away. "I'm not talking to that soft little potato... he can go die in a hole." I said aloud to myself. I mean, sure, maybe he's cute with his brown hair and teddy bear onesie, and with the way his eyes sparkle... Okay enough of that. The basic point is that he's so much more attractive than I am... He has brown hair that's medium length and straight, I have dark green hair that's soft and fluffy. He has sparkly golden-brown eyes, I have radiation-green eyes. He dresses in cute teddy bear onesies, and I wear suits and suspenders. See? We would never work together. I mean, not that I want us to.
My dad walked in and started explaining how he wanted dinner that night. As he was telling me how not to burn the rice, my phone went off again. My dad grabbed my phone and smiled in satisfaction, I got absolutely terrified. My dad handed me my phone and on it I saw a notification for a text from Teddy. It read, "I can't wait to see you!" I looked nervously into my dad's eyes as he said, "It's about damn time you started acting like a real girl! Bring your new boyfriend over tomorrow, he better be a REAL man." My walked out of my room. I dashed toward my phone, expecting to be able to text Teddy to warn him, but I already had a text from him telling me goodnight.
That night I sat on my bed with tears running down my face. I held my knife and dragged it across my skin, feeling the blade slicing through the scar tissue on my arms and legs. The blood ran down my arms, and I wiped it away, refusing to let my blood clot. I laid myself gently on my bed and watched the blood evaporate from my skin.
The next morning I could barely move. My cuts were deep and long. I managed to walk into 2nd period before my legs gave out. I collapsed into Teddy's arms. Not on purpose obviously! He just happened to catch me.. I didn't know someone so soft could be so strong. I passed out as I stared into his golden-brown eyes.
When I woke up I was laying down in someone's bed, I had no idea whose. I passed out again, from hunger or exhaustion, I couldn't remember.
I woke to someone force feeding me soup. After I had choked on my soup, I was able to see the person who was feeding it to me. It was Teddy. He gently wiped the soup off my lips, man I wanted to kiss him so bad, but he looked away from me before I could get the courage. "I'm sorry I brought you here without permission." he said. I looked at him and stood up and walked out of his room.When I got back to my house, I found out that I had been gone for 3 days. And my dad would never let me forget it.
I ended up not being able to go to school for another 3 days. I thought no one would care if I went missing again, but Teddy showed up every day, and every day, he brought me my homework and taught me. I didn't know what to say to him while he was being so nice to me. I remember the first day he came over, he took one look at me and started crying. that damn softie. I had to hold him while he cried even though I was the one who was enduring endless trauma. But even then, I didn't know how much he was really going through.Teddy never asked me any questions, and I never asked him any. It was peaceful for the next month or so, well, as peaceful as it can get when your dad is a drunk transphobe who beats you senseless. Then one day, I got to 2nd period, and Teddy wasn't there.
I ran up to the teacher and asked her if she had seen Teddy. "No I can't say I have, Carlie." she said. "It's KYLE." I growled through my teeth.
I didn't really know what had been going on in Teddy's life, I grew up too worried about my own survival to care about the survival of others. After all the kind things he had done for me, why did I never ask him things? Why did I never ask him why all he wore was hoodies? Why didn't I ask him why he always has a hospital tag on his wrist? Why didn't I ask him why he was bone thin. Why didn't I do anything?!
I made it to Teddy's house just in time to see the ambulance pull out of the driveway. I knew that teddy was in that ambulance, I don't know how I knew, I just knew. I ran to Teddy's mom and dad with tears in my eyes. I could barely manage to ask them what had happened to Teddy, but when I finally did ask, all they did was look at one another.
I ran to the hospital
as my world
fell apart
I arrived at the hospital and ran to the nearest nurse. "Where is he?!" I yelled. "Where is who dear?" she said calmly when I was all but calm. "Teddy!" I exclaimed. "Oh..." the nurse said with a fallen glance, "3rd floor ICU room 13." I ran up the stairs fast as lightning and burst into Teddy's room.I stopped in shock at the foot of his bed. He was so thin and he had scars and cuts all over his body. How did I not notice this? How did I not know? He looked at me with his eyes, the eyes of someone that I had unknowingly fallen in love with.
I had a talk with Teddy's head doctor and found out the truth. Teddy had ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder), depression, and insomnia. He had been struggling with these for 3 years... 3 whole years! I couldn't imagine what it must've been like for him. He didn't have anyone to turn to...I carried him home. I wouldn't let anyone else lay a hand on him. He's MINE, he's MY Teddy. I wanted to hold him, I wanted to protect him. But most of all, I wanted him to love me.
Fight, flight, fawn, freeze. This is the long technical term for fight or flight. They say when an animal is in trouble, it either fights, or flies. Why didn't I? How come when my father rained down his red hot blows, I could do nothing but stand there? Maybe this has been happening so long that now I just play dead... maybe... How long has it been since my dad drank? 2, 3 days? Oh no, that means that next time he drinks, he's taking it out on me... I just hope he doesn't rape me this time...I had just gotten to bed by the time my dad got home. He threw my door open, grabbed my arm, and yanked me out of my bed. He threw me on the floor and began screaming at me. "Why are you such a damned mistake!?" he screamed, his words like knives, "why can't you be just a normal fucking girl?! You fucking trans piece of shit! Stop pretending to be a boy!" I pulled myself off the ground, "I AM a boy." I said. I thought he was done for the night, but as he grabbed my collar, I knew this was just the beginning.I was sitting in my 2nd period class when a new kid walked in. The teacher made them sit next to me. The new kid turned to me and said, "HI! I'M TEDDY!" I gave him a glare that would've made any sane person turn and run. So he obviously wasn't sane. He just looked back and said, "You look like you need a hug!" He came toward me and as soon as he put his hand on me, I punched him. He lay unmoving as everyone crowded around us, wanting to know what had happened. Our teacher looked at me and yelled, "Carlie! Office! NOW!" I was so scared about what would happen to me at the hands of my dad that I didn't even have time to worry about the deadnaming, but Teddy worried. "Isn't his name Kyle, Miss?" he piped up.My dad stormed into the office with his fists clenched. He raised his hand as if to slap me, then, he seemed to realise that there were people watching him. He grabbed me by my then-long hair and dragged me to the car. "You selfish ungrateful brat! After all I do for you, you go and do this! What did that kid even do to you!?" I didn't say a word, and thus, he got furious at my silence. He grabbed my chin and looked at me, then he shoved my head down to his crotch, "This is your fucking punishment you ungrateful brat!" he yelled, spitting in my face. I submitted...I lay in bed with cotton balls stuffed in my mouth as a vain attempt to stop the bleeding. I felt my phone vibrate as I got a notification from an unknown number. I pulled up the text, not knowing or caring who it was at that point. I looked at my screen and to my dismay, the text read, "Hi Kyle, this is Teddy from 2nd period. I got your number from one of your friends!" I stare at the text for another minute or two before I put my phone away. "I'm not talking to that soft little potato... he can go die in a hole." I said aloud to myself. I mean, sure, maybe he's cute with his brown hair and teddy bear onesie, and with the way his eyes sparkle... Okay enough of that. The basic point is that he's so much more attractive than I am... He has brown hair that's medium length and straight, I have dark green hair that's soft and fluffy. He has sparkly golden-brown eyes, I have radiation-green eyes. He dresses in cute teddy bear onesies, and I wear suits and suspenders. See? We would never work together. I mean, not that I want us to.My dad walked in and started explaining how he wanted dinner that night. As he was telling me how not to burn the rice, my phone went off again. My dad grabbed my phone and smiled in satisfaction, I got absolutely terrified. My dad handed me my phone and on it I saw a notification for a text from Teddy. It read, "I can't wait to see you!" I looked nervously into my dad's eyes as he said, "It's about damn time you started acting like a real girl! Bring your new boyfriend over tomorrow, he better be a REAL man." My walked out of my room. I dashed toward my phone, expecting to be able to text Teddy to warn him, but I already had a text from him telling me goodnight.That night I sat on my bed with tears running down my face. I held my knife and dragged it across my skin, feeling the blade slicing through the scar tissue on my arms and legs. The blood ran down my arms, and I wiped it away, refusing to let my blood clot. I laid myself gently on my bed and watched the blood evaporate from my skin.The next morning I could barely move. My cuts were deep and long. I managed to walk into 2nd period before my legs gave out. I collapsed into Teddy's arms. Not on purpose obviously! He just happened to catch me.. I didn't know someone so soft could be so strong. I passed out as I stared into his golden-brown eyes.When I woke up I was laying down in someone's bed, I had no idea whose. I passed out again, from hunger or exhaustion, I couldn't remember.I woke to someone force feeding me soup. After I had choked on my soup, I was able to see the person who was feeding it to me. It was Teddy. He gently wiped the soup off my lips, man I wanted to kiss him so bad, but he looked away from me before I could get the courage. "I'm sorry I brought you here without permission." he said. I looked at him and stood up and walked out of his room.When I got back to my house, I found out that I had been gone for 3 days. And my dad would never let me forget it.I ended up not being able to go to school for another 3 days. I thought no one would care if I went missing again, but Teddy showed up every day, and every day, he brought me my homework and taught me. I didn't know what to say to him while he was being so nice to me. I remember the first day he came over, he took one look at me and started crying. that damn softie. I had to hold him while he cried even though I was the one who was enduring endless trauma. But even then, I didn't know how much he was really going through.Teddy never asked me any questions, and I never asked him any. It was peaceful for the next month or so, well, as peaceful as it can get when your dad is a drunk transphobe who beats you senseless. Then one day, I got to 2nd period, and Teddy wasn't there.I ran up to the teacher and asked her if she had seen Teddy. "No I can't say I have, Carlie." she said. "It's KYLE." I growled through my teeth.I didn't really know what had been going on in Teddy's life, I grew up too worried about my own survival to care about the survival of others. After all the kind things he had done for me, why did I never ask him things? Why did I never ask him why all he wore was hoodies? Why didn't I ask him why he always has a hospital tag on his wrist? Why didn't I ask him why he was bone thin. Why didn't I do anything?!I made it to Teddy's house just in time to see the ambulance pull out of the driveway. I knew that teddy was in that ambulance, I don't know how I knew, I just knew. I ran to Teddy's mom and dad with tears in my eyes. I could barely manage to ask them what had happened to Teddy, but when I finally did ask, all they did was look at one another.I ran to the hospitalas my worldfell apartI arrived at the hospital and ran to the nearest nurse. "Where is he?!" I yelled. "Where is who dear?" she said calmly when I was all but calm. "Teddy!" I exclaimed. "Oh..." the nurse said with a fallen glance, "3rd floor ICU room 13." I ran up the stairs fast as lightning and burst into Teddy's room.I stopped in shock at the foot of his bed. He was so thin and he had scars and cuts all over his body. How did I not notice this? How did I not know? He looked at me with his eyes, the eyes of someone that I had unknowingly fallen in love with.I had a talk with Teddy's head doctor and found out the truth. Teddy had ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder), depression, and insomnia. He had been struggling with these for 3 years... 3 whole years! I couldn't imagine what it must've been like for him. He didn't have anyone to turn to...I carried him home. I wouldn't let anyone else lay a hand on him. He's MINE, he's MY Teddy. I wanted to hold him, I wanted to protect him. But most of all, I wanted him to love me
When I got to Teddy's house his parents were already there, which made since because I carried him all the way from the hospital. I looked his parents in the eyes and said, "I love your son, and I will make sure he stays safe." They gave me a sad look and told me where Teddy's bedroom was so I could lay him down.
We had to tube feed Teddy for a couple of months. And despite my father's growing anger, I stayed over at Teddy's house more and more, partly to teach him, and partly to be near him. This cycle continued for about 2 months before I packed my stuff, and with Teddy's parent's permission, moved into the guest bedroom. My dad was furious. He came to Teddy's house every day for weeks and weeks, yelling, drinking, and just being a horrible person outside on the cul-de-sac. Teddy never let my dad bother him. He never complained. He never said that he was hurting. He never said he wanted anything. But every once in a while...He would ask for hugs. He would ask for his medicine. He would ask for a drink. He would ask for food. And then one day, he asked, "Kyle... Am I going to die? "I didn't know he worried about dying. I also didn't know the answer. And I could never lie to Teddy. So I just said, "I don't know Teddy Bear (my nickname for him) but whatever happens, I will never leave you Alone You will Never fight this Without me By Your side." He looked at me and smiled, I knew I had made him happy. He was my Teddy Bear. We finally got back to school. I was sure that Teddy was doing good. We weren't together but we had become really good friends. His parents really liked me and they knew I wasn't hurting their son, so that made them like me more. I always told Teddy that he could always tell me if anyone bullied him. He said he would, but every day, I saw fear and guilt in his eyes. I didn't want to push him to tell me something that he didn't seem to want to tell me. I had just gotten out of school at the final bell. Every day me and Teddy would wait for each other at the bus loop, but that day, he wasn't there. I even stood there until the busses left, but he still wasn't there. I started looking around the school. See, our school has several dead-end hallways and one of them didn't have any cameras, we called that hallway the sex hallway. So I ran down that hallway to see if my teddy bear was there. When I got to the end of the hallway, I saw them. There were 5 guys beating the absolute fuck out of Teddy. He was so beat and bloody that I didn't know if he was alive. Everything Was RED I pulled out my switchblade and ran at the 5 guys. I stabbed and stabbed and stabbed until I was just as bloody as Teddy. The 5 guys were dead. Dead for what they did to Teddy. I went to go check Teddy's heartbeat. I waited for the steady thump that would tell me he was alive I waited and waited and waited until I knew my Teddy My teddy bear Was dead I'd never hear his laugh I'd never feel his arms around me I'd never hold him I'd never kiss him I'd never get to feel his finger entwined in mine I'd never again get to be with the one I loved I grabbed my knife and I shredded my arms into bloody hunks of flesh I cut to the bone and I bled out and died