(Tell me if this needs any additional TWs)
I really wanna talk to my therapist about the whole system thing and get tested and a diagnosis. It would be very helpful for me to have a diagnosis so I have an explanation for it. It would be nice so I don’t have to hide it and have an explanation so my headmates can front without worrying about folkel questioning it. Yeah, I’d be hated and treated more like a freak, but it would be helpful. I hate hiding things. It makes me feel really bad. Lilian fronted for quite a while today. Lilian sounds very different from me. Apparently she was worried about accidentally making my friend mad because she wouldn’t talk as to not give it away. I don’t want to have to feel like I’m limiting her. I don’t want to feel like I’m limiting any of them. They’re their own beings and I feel really bad. I want to be able to get diagnosed so I can be open about it.
The only problem is my parents. What if they hate me? What if their love is conditional? What if they try exorcising demons from me? What if they’re mean to my headmates? You know how awful they’d be to Lilian? You know how much trouble Wire would get us in just because he would stick up for us? I know they’d force us to hide it if they actually didn’t immediately believe my headmates were demons. I’m so scared for them to find out but how am I going to make it until I move out hiding this? I don’t know how I’ll be able to. I had no control over my body for over an hour today. How am I supposed to keep this a secret? I want to tell my therapist. I want a diagnosis. But my parents cannot find out. I worry that we’re not in a safe place to look for diagnosis. I am so torn. I don’t know what to do.
Obviously this is a decision I’ll have to make myself, but I could use some support rn.
-Rowan(it/its)