so i wanna ask you all a question, and im hoping to get at least a few people to respond because its very important to me and will help me moving forward.
note: this is super long so i did not include any tone indicators. for that, i am sorry. i also want to put a TW for:
cursing
mentions of sch**l (oo)
mentions of f*mily and therapist (a), especially p*rents (a)
mention of c*ncer (a)
without further ado, enjoy the show /lh
so i believe i have ADHD.
i cant list off every symptom i have right now because id rather look at memes while waiting for the bell to ring, but ive done tons of research on ADHD. ive been speculating it for about a year now, ive talked with my therapist and parents about it (mostly my mother), and ive claimed to have it as a way to explain my behavior to people.
but i have a few problems.
first, when i tell my friends that, for example, my object permanence is shit, i say its because of ADHD. but i dont say i have ADHD to everybody because im so afraid of making people think that im one of those pick-me-girls who diagnoses themselves with severe anxiety and severe tourettes and, like, fucking cancer or something. im even afraid of telling my own friends, but i do it because they know the effort ive gone to make sure im not diagnosing myself with a life-altering mental disorder because one time i zoned out in class.
second, ive asked my therapist im just gonna call her by her name, which is nancy - about getting a diagnosis twice. the first time was probably in february 2021, and when she asked why, it was because a friend asked me if i had ever gotten diagnosed for OCD and how they could do it, and i realized, i never actually got diagnosed. but my mom has it and nancy said that i probably have it, so there, thats my diagnosis. anyway, i recently brought it up again because ive done more research and i know what im talking about - after all, i cover most of the bases, my aunt and grandpa have ADHD/ADD, and even after a year, im sill showing symptoms. nancy asked me again why i was doing this, and this time i was (and still am) confident that i wanted to do this for myself, so i could finally have an answer as to why i am the way i am. she also asked me why i couldnt just tell people the things im bad at - time management, confidence, paying attention, etc. - and it finally hit me.
id rather be able to say im part of a group thats bad at something, than feel alone with all my problems.
its like standing up in the middle of class and saying "im bad at this, this, and this" versus "im bad at this, this, and this, but so are dozens of other folkel in this building."
anyway, my mom said she would take nancy's psychologist recommendations and i could finally get a proper diagnosis. but last night, she gave me her honest opinion. she believed that we shouldnt spend hundreds of dollars on something that wont change much, and that i dont need a diagnosis to make me happy.
i do recognize my mom's point of view. she and her boyfriend have been spending so much money on home repairs that theyre trying to pay off all at once because our microwave broke and then the washer, and the dryer, and the gate, and my bed, and OH MY GOD-
i also do recognize that i dont need a diagnosis, or a professional one, at least. unless my school wanted to verify it, then i can just tell my friends and no one else. i dont need to proclaim to my whole school that i have a mental disorder.
but i also know that if you have undiagnosed ADHD and go years without an answer, that guilt and shame on your shoulders can have a huge effect on your self-esteem.
finally, my mom has that ✨societal bias✨ for ADHD. she believes that because im a gifted kid and i do well on tests and "you dont seem 'fidget-y'" that im fine. she thinks my brother has ADHD but not me, which also aligns with the research ive done, that boys- er, AMAB folkel are more likely to get diagnosed with ADHD than girls- sorry, AFAB folkel. granted, my brother is that kid that will literally never shut up nor sit properly. hes impulsive and his emotional regulation is not great. but hes also seven. and im [insert age between thirteen and sixteen]. hes changed over the years. i have not.
so to wrap this up, i want to ask: based on everything ive said, all the research and self-evaluation ive done, is it okay to self-diagnose? is it okay to say i have ADHD without an actual diagnosis? because my mom did say to keep reminding her to set up an appointment, but for now she has not made one and thinks that im doing fine in school so i dont need to go to the doctor.
i want to self-diagnose but im so scared of looking like im faking. and if i do go to a psychologist and they say "no you dont have ADHD" then i will make sure to correct myself.
sorry for the long paragraph and thanks for any help!