general tw, specifically for swearing but there might be more
should be taken as /neu, /g, and /nmaa
note: this is rem making the post, and its about feeling a lot like a system but not really. sometimes in the post i say "we" or "us," and a lot of times i say "i" or "me" because its my personal pov and experience, and also, because im so unsure atm, i wasnt sure whether to refer to myself or our system. anyway, proceed with caution. this isnt a horrendously terrible post or anything, but it may trigger some individuals, so... yeah :)
i will never understand myself.
so literally just yesterday autumn made a post about us figuring out we were a system, and we even talked to our partner (he was p chill about it). but now ive started to question myself... *long sigh, sarcastically* oNcE aGaIn, because i dont hear anyone else when im fronting and... well, i guess we still feel like separate people, but the only thing that really changes is how we act and type, as well as our purposes and orientations ig. like, the resemblance between autumn and i irl is uncanny, and i feel like even though im myself, im different. i am autumn, and i feel like a cisgender girl, and i feel like a lesbian. its a different identity ig, but not much changes... although at the same time, everything changes.
the same goes for nora too, but shes just more grumpy. ig its weird for her because i made her quite similar to myself and so it gets confusing, but its even more confusing because now that we say we are a system, when i imagine my story's plotlines (especially during daydreams), its kind of hard to imagine it in third person. i dont feel like and im not nora in that moment, but i see things from her perspective?
and another thing, i feel like im forcing this onto myself. like even though autumn and i feel completely different, i feel like im forcing myself to switch or to act differently or to validate myself by tricking myself into thinking im hearing things.
it could also be because im between 13 and 16, so ig im pretty impressionable and i always thought "if i had headmates, they could be characters" or smth, like id have an excuse to act like the character i want and everything. but i do know thats a really shitty and... pluralphobic?, way of thinking, so obviously now i dont have that opinion.
it just... idk its weird. and now ive put myself in a weird position, like on wattpad where i made up this whole lie about actually being an adult cuz i didnt know there were teeanger on there who were open about their age, but now i have so many followers and stuff that if i completely change that now, ill most likely lose their trust. on here, its kind of the same thing, because from the posts ive/weve made in the past day or two, users could assume we were a system, and in the moment, it would be correct. but now its just... eh??? i/we still ike using "we" and "us" but if we were/are endogenic, then theres no point in telling others irl because theyd fakeclaim us. theres no winning.
i feel like autumn a lot of the time, because she actually focuses and gets stuff done and is a lot more kind and softer than me, and i feel like nora, because... i just do. theres not realy a way to explain it. but again, ive dug myself into a hole, and idk what to do.
oh, and one more thing before i add tws and tone tags and stuff, im really sorry if this offends anyone personally or makes you not want to interact with me or vice versa, i get it. i just really wanted to get that off my chest cuz its been bothering me/us all day.
-rem