Mod note : TW// depersonalization
am i real? i've gone through my whole life confident in my reality, and only now has this confidence wavered. i feel like i've become something entirely else. something new. something different. something not entirely good nor bad. just something else. maybe it's because i've gone too far to come back. maybe my entire existence is flying through the internet and i've been convincing myself that i am still in your reality. i feel as if i've become too much of a burden. sometimes i'll feel like i'm speaking too much and stop talking for a very long time. sometimes i'll feel like i'm not speaking the truth when i am. i feel as if i'm mimicking everything i see and giving myself more problems than i can handle. i feel like i'm getting too far ahead of myself. i feel so fake. some day i'll just collapse under all the weight i've put on my own back. i feel like i'm driving not just myself but everybody that does so much as look at me up the wall. i feel like i've stepped into an event horizon nobody knows about or sees. i feel alone and miserable and grievous and guilty and confused and stupid and bad and wrong and hated and unloved and unwanted. i just want to close my eyes and separate myself from the rest of the world. but i just want to reach out to somebody close and tell them all of the things that i feel and i just want to know everything wrong with me and i want to know when i went wrong and if i can step back into grace. i'm splitting myself apart with all the things that i think. i'm thinking too much but i don't think i'm thinking enough to think right. i just want to be left alone but i don't want to be left alone at the same time. i'm not ok and i'm still afraid to say it loud enough to be heard. i just need some help but from a distance. i want to find my way out of this mess. i'm scared.