I've gradually been trying to get back into editing pages since I took a break, but there's just so much on my mind. I thought that getting it all out might help, so I'm just going to vent about everything here.
[CW: Being intentionally triggered, being stalked, feeling alone/ignored, not fitting in, Tumblr, trolls, sp*ders, parents, ableism, antidepressants, abuse]
So, originally I took a break due to my vision problems, but during that break, I just felt so alone. I came to this wiki to make friends because I don't have any in real life or online, but I think because of my age, I haven't been able to become close with anyone. And that's fine. I understand that my body's age will limit the amount of friends I can make on a site where most users are younger. It's just that, lately, I feel like I'm working at some part-time job for no reason (if that makes sense). Being a site administrator is considered a profession, but for community wikis, it's done on a volunteer basis. Everyone has a reason for volunteering. For me, that reason (or reasons) was keeping information accurate, helping others find terms, and making friends. But now, none of those reasons are strong enough to make me feel like it's worth it I guess. Before my break, I was spending most of each day monitoring the recent changes/social activity, researching terms with missing or lacking information, answering questions, helping others find terms, etc. I was never doing anything for fun, and I just felt stressed. Even when I was spending time with my boyfriend (the closest thing to a friend I have in real life), I would stop what we were doing to do things on the wiki. It felt like a "calling," or like I was needed. I felt responsible for once (long story short: I'm disabled and have been incapable of meeting my basic needs, so others take care of me).
Then I took my break. I saw that everything seemed fine without me. In fact, I don't think anyone would've even noticed I was gone. I no longer felt needed, and this is when my reasons for volunteering started to feel weaker. "Others can keep the information accurate, others can help users find terms, and I'm not making friends, so what's the point?" That's kind of how it felt.
Regardless, I decided to try to edit again, with a focus on accuracy and formatting. I also made a blog post about one of my special interests to get back into the writing mood. But this is where things started to go wrong.
I have a Tumblr blog where I coin terms and make flags. On the blog, I'm very clear about not wanting my posts to be screenshotted or archived. This is because I was stalked (irl) in the past. It took place for about 1-2 years before others intervened and helped me. I'm perfectly capable of talking about it, but things that give me that same feeling are triggering. This includes screenshots and archives because they make me feel like others could be watching what I do without my knowledge (eg. a screenshot of a post I made being shared to a group chat and talked about there). And worse yet, they can be used to make fun of me, which really affects my RSD.
Anyway, one of my posts was archived, and that was a terrible experience. I tried everything to get rid of it, but nothing seemed to work. To make matters worse, a troll saw what happened and thought it would be hilarious to archive my entire blog and then send an ask to tell me. Even after I calmed down, I had a nightmare about what happened. I felt horrible. I just wanted to delete my blog, my accounts, everything. I wanted to erase my entire internet presence, including my wiki account.
That same day, I woke up with a sp*der in my face. I have entomophobia, and while I've been getting better over the years, I still get really bad symptoms. It was hanging from a web in front of my face and started crawling upward when it noticed me.
This is the last thing (finally). My mom and step-dad made me sit down with them to have a talk. They implied many negative things about me because of my disabilities. They underhandedly called me lazy, dirty, disrespectful, unmotivated, sensitive, a failure, and an embarrassment. They made new rules I have to follow. One of them being that I can't leave my bedroom unless I change clothes, because apparently it's disrespectful to wear pyjamas in our own home. They also kept making jabs at me for being depressed, like, "If you actually went outside you wouldn't be depressed." No, I wouldn't be so depressed if you actually let me take the antidepressants I was prescribed.
My step-dad also said things like, "If you're offended, you need to tell us. We wont apologise, but we'll explain why you need to learn to take criticism," and "If you apply to work at [fast food chain], they might say no. In fact, they probably will say no. They'll probably say straight to your face that you're not good enough to work there," and "If you aren't a good role model, your sisters will take after you, and then we'll feel like we failed as parents, not just once, but three times."
I just want to leave. I don't want to live here anymore, but believe it or not, my dad's house is worse (my dad is cool, but his girlfriend is abusive). I either have to live with my past abuser (where I live now) or with a potential current abuser. And regardless of which house I'm at, I have to see my parents getting abused by their partners. There's nowhere else for me to go.
Anyway, this is already really long, and I'm starting to get a bit paranoid that it might get archived or made fun of, so I'm going to end it here. I'll go cool off and hopefully get back into editing tomorrow.