CW: General mental health mention/medication mention/illness mention/swearing
What I did and said was really, really wrong. And really selfish.
I had been working on a project that involved making new terms and flags for various gender(blank) terms, but before I could decide on the finished ideas and post them, someone else had made their own versions and posted those, instead.
It hit a nerve. I've been struggling to take control of my life, but it keeps slipping away from me. I haven't been able to find a job. I can't afford mental care anymore. My medications are not being refilled on time, so I often have to go weeks without my medication until my doctor (who works one day a week, by the way) can authorize refills. And without insurance, my medications can rack up easily. I was so sick for several weeks, with uncontrollable coughing that wouldn't be remedied with any medication, and when I went to a clinic, all they did was hand me antibiotics -- which did absolutely nothing. I'm still trying to adjust to being forced to move into a new house, and I absolutely hate this house. Worse yet, I was not given any warning or asked my opinion before moving, and my mother took my money to help pay for it.
Life has been a fucking shithole. And I haven't been able to have any control over it.
So when some creative minds posted their ideas, I felt like I was being ignored, or that an opportunity was taken from me. And it rode on every fear and stress I've been dealing with, feeling like I wasn't in control, that I wasn't the one deciding what things were named or what the flags looked like -- even though I had no right to even claim that it was my place to decide those things.
In a really arrogant, entitled move, I openly asked (addressing basically anyone) that if they were going to continue making those terms, to pause for a little while, so I could 'catch up.' I didn't try to tell people to stop -- but I was still frustrated, even though nobody had done anything wrong.
When I was corrected, I got offended, believing I'd been targeted unfairly or wasn't being listened to. It ended up in some really harsh words. And I'm baffled that I ever said those things or acted like that. The only thing I can think of, beyond the stress going on elsewhere in my life, was my anger management difficulty. But I've taken classes -- I shouldn't be having this problem. I know better.
So I want to apologize, to the staff and anyone I offended. I wasn't in my right mind. I don't think anything at all is wrong with the new terms, or the flags. They're beautiful, actually, and several names are even ones I had originally chosen, as well. They're catchy, so it makes sense. And I'm glad we had the same ideas.
(No, I don't believe people 'stole' my ideas. They couldn't possibly have. There's no way. I had kept this project to myself entirely, and even if I shared it, the likelihood of them ever seeing my progress is extremely slim. There's no reason to 'steal' my ideas anyway. Other people are much more creative than I am. So no, I'm not accusing anyone of 'stealing' anything. It's impossible to even happen.)
Instead, I'm going to see if I can repurpose the terms for something else -- something more unique. I still want to make a masterlist of gender(blank) terms, because there's just so many, and having them in one place can help a lot of people. I've also decided to switch over to another idea I've had, and sharing that first, since it's something more important and personally significant to me than any genderfluid terms, because I'm not genderfluid. (I don't think anyway.)
I'm really appalled at my past behavior, and really confused why I acted that way, and I can only guess what might have caused it. Still, I know better, and I could have handled the entire situation a lot better than I did. I let my frustration get to my head, and forgot that it's not my place to decide anything for this community. I'm not a pinnacle of it.
I understand if people are frustrated, or hurt. I'll be keeping a much closer eye on how I see things, and how I act when I get stressed, so I don't misdirect my frustration on others. And I'll be keeping my hands off others' work as much as possible, at most asking if I can offer some ideas and nothing more.
I do aim to improve how I treat others here in this community, and I hope others understand that my actions weren't intentionally malicious, or intended to be disingenuous.
I'd love to go back to the server, since I do have terms I coined in there, and I want to keep contributing to the subcommunities I feel closest to/identify with. I understand if that isn't an option, and I take full responsibility for the effects my behavior had.
(And I apologize if this apology feels disingenuous -- I sincerely mean every word, I do feel extremely remorseful.)