TW eating disorder, weight, calories (no numbers), food, school, myfitnesspal, diets, swearing, exams
Yesterday I posted about how excited I was to start ED recovery but I don’t know how long I can carry on with it. I’m already a day in but I’ve lost all motivation and I’m scared. I have no idea how many calories I’ve eaten today or yesterday and I’ve deleted my myfitnesspal account so I can’t go back and add them up. I also ate a ridiculous amount of homemade hummus today so there’s no way to find out the calories in that if I made a new account. I’ve probably gained weight already. Starting tomorrow I have to eat my lunch in the office at school to make sure I actually eat it and one of the office ladies brags about her very disordered sounding low carb diet to everyone so yeah that’ll be fun /s. I obviously can’t restrict now because of being monitored but my horrible brain is already forming a plan to relapse as soon as I’m weight restored. I’m convinced it’ll just be one relapse but I know logically that I’ll end up doing it again and again and waste my entire life if I do that. My ED is probably part of the reason why I got moved down an English set (didn’t eat on the day of the end of year exam and then wondered why I couldn’t concentrate haha) so I know if I keep relapsing I’ll fail my GCSEs too. I’m so fucking scared.