[TW. Caps and talk about disassociation, as well as talking about Dave & Bambi and ENA]
(Saturn, any pronouns)
I FOUND MY GENDER
...or well, kinda
At least the idea of my gender
(I wrote this some while ago, edited a few things to match what I feel today, however, I felt like I had to mention that)
So, as I mentioned before, I am psychotic, and I have felt disconnected from reality more than once, being really attached to an idea and feeling like nothing else makes sense
And usually, when I watch videos of Dave & Bambi and ENA, I feel like it's extremely weird, or in nicer words, extremely different from reality, but I feel connected to it, like disassociating, but without the negative effects
Plus, I am hyperfixated on Dave & Bambi (especially the Golden Apple Edition), and I kin ENA, and I was wondering why I felt so connected to both until it hit me: "Would that be part of my gender?"
Honestly, I always felt gender envy towards ENA and having a low poly body seem sooooo rad
A part of my gender is every anthrogender alignment, feminine, masculine, androgynous, neutral, but the other part is like, extremely similar to a disassociation (but positive)
Not as in that a disassociation affects my gender, but that my gender IS a disassociation, from what? From the general idea of gender, I have tried explaining my gender with quite a few labels like bluriandrogynous, drawgender and clayic, but they didn't quite fit, they felt way too conforming for me (or at least that they don't fit). My gender, like a disassociation, rejects almost every idea of what it could be except for one specific idea, an idea which my gender firmly grasps off and doesn't let go, in this case, it's the universes of Dave & Bambi and ENA, this idea, to others, may seem nonsensical, but to me, it makes sense, just like a disassociation, of course, as I said before, without the negative effects :]
Aside from the disassociation metaphor, my gender also feels like those universes, being the 3D models, frame-by-frame animations and so much more !!
I also feel like my gender is kinda flux? sometimes I feel more masculine or feminine than other days, so yeah!
That's all my rant about my gender! (all in my rant in /pos, if I'm missing some tone tags I should type, feel free to tell me! :])
Also, if you read this far and you wanna help me, can you tell me what labels fit my gender? At the moment, I think genderflux androgyneutral xenogender nonconformic fits me most! Ofc, I'm missing labels that describe what I explained about my gender